Two Things That Don't Mix: Labor & Cellphones

I can't believe I didn't post for the entire month of November....if you missed me I apologize I've been fake busy.

At any rate we are coming to the close of 2011 when most people find out if they got knocked up from the beginning of cuffing season.  So if you've got a little monster in the oven then you've also got some time to prepare for the inevitable labor process.

Rule # 1: Have your hospital bag packed about 1 week before your due date
Rule #2: Compile a support group and have it arranged for them to be at the hospital with you for your delivery.
Rule #3: Don't forget the carseat.
Rule #4:  DO NOT let anyone take a picture of you while you're rubbing your phone waiting for your bundle of joy to arrive, or else you will end up on here.

Smh, she's got the look on her face like she's setting her fantasy football line-up.

 She gives no fucks

"Hold her real quick, I need to update my facebook friends"

Uhmmm excuse me Ma'am? They're giving you oxygen, put the phone down and concentrate on stabilizing your baby's heartbeat.

FUCK YOU HOMEGIRL! Do me a favor Nurse punch this bitch in the throat, and dont give her her baby. THANKS!

I've never been more unimpressed with white mothers.  Remember the days when new moms didn't miss a second of their baby's first precious moments of life? My have times have changed.  I hope this was helpful.

Halloween Crunch Time

Do you have a costume yet? I don't, and its officially....

 Halloween Crunch Time.

I decided to have today's post to be a short trip down memory lane and pull pictures from the personal archives. To save you some Sprite I left out the 2 halloweens when I was dressed as a Naughty Race Car Driver and A Dirty Pirate Hooker.  You're welcome.

First, join me and my friends from college as we all cross dress for the "Moustachio-Bashio"  This was probably one of my favorite parties I've ever attended.  Most of our costumes were creations we made with the help of the Salvation Army.  This party is like a Masquerade minus the mask plus the moustache.

Two pictures are necessary for the Moustachio-Bashio because it was so epic. In fact, this wasn't even a Halloween party we were all just really bored and wanted an excuse to dress up. Imagine walking around campus with a moustache on while no other student is dressed up except you and your lonely crew. But at any rate it's great party or costume idea.  

We were the 'Ladies Jamaican Bob Sled Team'.  None of us really wanted to dress up, but we all had green shirts and black under armor and tights. *shrug* something light to keep the Party-Pooper-Patrol at bay.

All Black anything with some ninja swords and a mask?! You can't go wrong with that. Takes little effort and people actually get freaked out by you.

One of my favorite halloween costumes.  My friend Joe dressed as perverted old lady. 

Do you have an idea of what you're going to be yet??? Reader, I now challenge you to take pictures of some people dressed up for Halloween over the weekend; the good, the bad, and the awesome.  Please, send your pictures to cmbeez87@gmail.com with a description of said picture in your own words.  Halloween is a night to be shared with the world people! Monday morning we will be posting 2011 Halloween pictures so help me by participating. 

Come Get Your Kids

and steal any of my ideas :)

Happy Halloween Folks

Halloween: The Good, The Bad, The Awesome

This year for halloween I envision people going even harder than last year. Ladies, if I can't see either your tits or you ass meat, you're doing it wrong.  Fellas, if you and your friends dress up as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the 5th year in a row, you're doing it wrong.  Today we will discuss costume choices, the good, the bad, and the awesome so hopefully you can use this opportunity to brainstorm and/or discuss.

Let's Begin. 

He's doing it right.  This young fella is more than likely going to get some buns tonight for being clever as fuck.  Any drunk girl in a bikini who is willing to sip wine from his loins also will slob on his knob. Well done sir.

Baby Girl...you're doing it wrong.  You have put zero thought or effort into this years' costume choice which is clearly just a bra and panties.  Nobody likes a skinny bitch in her bra and panties walking around like she's really dressing up. Please participate.

Dude....you're doing it wrong. All wrong.

You my friend are doing it right. However I do hope there is some double sided tape involved with this costume.  

You're doing a right! A classic "Dick-in-a-Box" costume. Well done sir, well done.

You're doing it wrong. This is disgusting and you will absolutely be going home alone tonight. Your mother would be ashamed.

Ladies, you're doing it right. I see plenty of ass and titties AND hints of homosexuality. Well done girls.

You are doing it ALL WRONG! I hope someone kicked the shit out of you too.

From the personal archives: My roommates and I in college, we're all doing it wrong.  This night we threw the worst halloween party ever.  No skanks were present, and at least three dudes pissed in my basement on three separate occasions...

That wraps it up folks. Make sure you drink responsibly and ladies I recommend wearing at least 2 pairs of panties just incase one gets caught up in your butt cheek. Last but not least, let your friends prosper.  Halloween is the night to not give a shit and pretend you're some slut who you're not (or maybe you are, I'm not judging). I encourage you to have fun but not to offend anyone.  That last thing you want to do is wear a politically incorrect costume that will shame your family name.

Come Get Your Kids

Come Get Your Kids: More Dog Costumes. Thanks White People

Halloween is right around the corner and instead of posting slutty dumb Halloween costumes (which I probably will do anyway in the near future) let's take another look at man's best friend on their most humiliating holiday.  As proven in a previous post, white people always treat their pets like kids...so why leave Spot out on Halloween?!White people do a lot of shit, but you've got to give us some honest credit for the following....

Some type of doodle mix wearing a Buddy the Elf costume....lol

For me, this is even too much. That dog looks too comfortable with his fake horse hooves.  Crazy white people. "Headless "dog" man"

Simba, is that you???

Yoda Pug says: "Funny Not You Are!!!"

Golden Retriever gone wild.

This one is my favorite! ALLIGATORS LOVE BEAGLES!!!!

I hope you all are thinking about Halloween whether it be for you to get shit faced wasted with your friends or taking your kids out for halloween.  You might be the type of person who doesn't like to dress up, but also doesn't like to miss out on all the free candy.  So just a tip for everyone who is not white and hating but loving Halloween; if someone wants you to dress up for a party or trick or treating but you don't really like doing it...dress up your dog for the occasion instead and take them with you. If asked why you aren't dressed for Halloween, point to your dog and say "I'm White."  This should get you by swimmingly :)

Go On And Get Um'

(bet you laughed)

ColumBUST Day: Guest Blog By @_acGUERiN

America is the land of pointless holidays with no meaning behind them.  Today for example, “Columbus Day” …Somebody please tell me the point of this holiday?  It sincerely boggles my brain when people say some shenanigans like “Of course we should celebrate Columbus day he “discovered” America.”  To those people I say “show me your diploma.” You could not have possibly graduated from an accredited high school and still believe that bullshit? How do you discover a land that has people already living there? I guarantee these are the same assholes that wait for pointless holidays like this to get a day off so they can spend their Sunday nights drinking their keystone light beer and angling their next tender facebook profile pic like this guy…

But kids seriously, let’s take a walk down memory lane for a minute.  Remember elementary school when we colored in pictures of the Indians and pilgrims & little turkeys made out of our hands and they were sharing thanksgiving dinner and everything was all good. 

*cough* bullshit *cough*. Yeah that was all lies. 

If school has taught you anything it’s to believe only half the shit they tell you. But I digress, So anyway later we learn that shit didn’t exactly go down that smoothly & The Indians didn’t just give up their land and weren’t exactly cool about these non-pigmented faces coming here taking their land and spreading diseases And yet we still celebrate a holiday based around Christopher Columbus’s genocide of Native Americans. Way to go America! How bout we give Hitler a national holiday too and see how that shit goes over.  Yeah, it probably won’t happen, but makes you wonder what the Indians feel about having a national holiday dedicated to a man that wiped out a whole race of people. 

But I leave you with this e-card, Send it to all your friends that claim their “a quarter Cherokee” after you take something of theirs and claim it as your own. 

 And Parents; Please COME GET YOUR KIDS before they really start to believe today is a real holiday.

[[FOLLOW @_acGUERiN ON TWITTER!!!]]

Come Get Your Kids: The 40oz.

The 40 ounce. We all remember those thursday afternoons after class when you thought you spent your last stipplings on school supplies and pizza.  You thought you weren't going to be able to go out that night or weekend because of it.  Think again newb!!! Scrounge up that change, all you need is $2 total to have an interesting night.

It's been scientifically proven that white people love Olde English 40oz. Why you ask? Well to be frank, because black people made it cool, and that's just what us whites do.  Seriously its only $2, you really can't beat that and the taste....well if you drink fast enough you wont taste it at all.

"Edward 40 Hands" by far one of my favorite college drinking games.  All you need is $4 for two 40 ounces of your choice, some duct tape, and for someone to assist you when it's time to "break the seal."  The object of the game is to be the first one to drink your two 40oz. You cannot remove your hands from the bottle until you have finished all 80oz of malt liquor.  Some tips: wear gloves, your hands will be cold.  Wear pants that can easily be taken off to use the bathroom. (no jeans or belts). Ladies, a skirt or dress with no panties should do the trick.  Also, alternate which 40 you're drinking from as the heat from your hands WILL make the 40oz become warmer AKA more disgusting.

 This guy looks likes he's having a good night, but he has no beard so he will more than likely sleep alone.

 This young lady has only just begun.  You got a lot to go baby girl.

Bottom lip out, relax the throat and let the cheap beer flow.

And this my friends...is how NOT to drink a 40oz.  Don't do it naked because you increase your chances of getting anally raped.  At least he put a blanket down before rubbing his man meat all up in the couch.

Friends; I encourage you to drink, but drink responsibly.  However, DO NOT let your friends party naked, unless you have a camera and are going to send those pictures to me to end up on here :)

Come Get Your Kids: College Style

(Not a 40oz, but black Michael Jackson with two midgets chugging Vodka?! Why the hell not?)

Kids Can Angle Too - But They Shouldn't!

Alright Kids, time for a quick lesson on Angling....first off, you're too young, just stop it. You got your whole life to be sexy and scandalous.  Now is the time to act your age AND your shoe size.  If you keep it up you will end up on www.nerdatthecooltable.com when you get older and he's not as nice as I am.

This one.....smh. Make sure you throw up that peace sign sideways like you got hood status. Stop it white girl, if you aren't out of training bras yet you should NOT be taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror. (Photo was brought to my attention by @FresH_BoY_Will) 

This one....good job on trying to fit your whole body in there, but baby girl no grown man wants to see that. Wait until your at least 17 for back shots.

Three white jawns, three phones, one mirror.....and one broken arm.  Way to put the fat friend in the front so you can't see her bulge.  These ladies should spend less time in the bathroom together and more time outside having immature diving contests. Just cause you got boobs doesn't make you an adult. BE A KID!!!!

Come on little man.....no 11 year old girl is going to see this and say "Like, O-M-G he is sooooooo sexy!" no sir. Less time in the mirror with your phone, more time outside playing on sports teams.

Smh. Take notice of his baby picture on the wall. Child stop. Where is your mother at, and who did you send this picture to anyway? He's got a bright future in ending up on @NerdAtCoolTable's site.

Help me help them put a stop to these Angling Shenanigans! If any of these faces are familiar don't get mad, do something about it.  All these children (with the exception of the pool bunnies) are young enough for spankings.  We should have higher hopes for the youth, this can't be life. DO BETTER!

Come Get Your Kids NOW!!

(Angling: You're Doing It Wrong.)

Beards Will Keep You Warm This Winter

Beards are without a doubt an essential part to the approaching colder months. If you can't grow one, shame on you.  The importance of beards was brought to my attention by @OTRecords who had a brilliant rant on beards last night.  Here's a exempt directly from his timeline.

Fellas: Its going to be a cold winter.

The baby-like skin might look appealing in sunlight and summer months, but not for long.  Too bad Hov and Wiz can't grow beards. Good luck keeping your ladies warm gentlemen, and don't leave the house without a scarf.

Wayne....I haven't seen him sport anything more than a chinstrap, which does not count as a beard.  This little patch of pubes on his chin doesn't count either.

Tiger.  After the scandal/fiasco he began to start trying to grow a beard but only got as far as a goatee, which also doesn't count as a beard.

Now that's a beard!! I just want to nuzzle my face in his neck and breathe in his beard's essence. 

If you don't feel more safe around a person with a beard versus one without than you're a straight fraud, and you can't be trusted.  To those who cannot grow a beard I'm so sorry for you, because its been scientifically proven that you will get less buns between the months of October and March, good luck and God Speed.

Finally, a special RIP shout out to Billy Mays for having the greatest white man beard in history.

Grow out your facial hair fellas, and have a great cuffing season.

Sweet Sixteen: White Girl From The Burbs

Ladies, we all remember when we turned 16 and had the biggest hopes and dreams for our first car.  Many of us came from middle class-working class households, so deep down we knew those dreams would remain as dreams and instead would wake up to a 1980 something. Shows like "My Super Sweet Sixteen" from MTV brought out a certain vanity in most teenage girls who expected something like this waiting for them after they get home from their birthday dinner...

Velour skirt and matching zip-up, check!

Ugg Boots, check!

The best Sweet Sixteen present everrrrrrrr, CHECK!

If Range Rovers weren't your dream car you're not a real white girl from the burbs.  Unfortunately, the car we really were going to get was more like this...

Chrysler LeBaron, a more realistic option for a kid about to hit the road.  

Parents, you need to have a sense of mind that your child is more than likely going have a huge temper tantrum when you tell them the Range Rover is no-go.  Be Prepared for something like this...

Here are some tips and reminders you need to share with your manipulative daughter...

1. Remind them that are probably going to run into something or someone during the first 2 years of having a license.  

2. Remind them they are more than likely going to leave the keys in the ignition/door at one point because they are on the phone talking about what that bitch Becky did to her behind her back, (the slut. ) 

3. Remind them that some jealous redneck girl is probably is going to slash her tires and kick her headlights in.  

4.Remind them that they are probably going to spill their Starbucks coffee all over the interior as well as suffer from 2nd degree burns.  

5. Remind them that they are an easy target for intruders, police, and mischief in general.

6. If none of this seems to be working make up the craziest shit you can think of to turn your kids away form wanting that Range or BMW. Bribery also seems to work pretty well with white girls from the burbs.

7. STAND YOUR GROUND!

  In conclusion, don't gas your daughter's heads up with bullshit that it's possible they're going to get a Mercedes when they get their license, because you know damn well that is not true at all,unless you're an idiot who likes to throw their money away.

Come Get Your Kids

Before They

Come and Raise Your Insurance Rates