Kids Can Angle Too - But They Shouldn't!

Alright Kids, time for a quick lesson on Angling....first off, you're too young, just stop it. You got your whole life to be sexy and scandalous.  Now is the time to act your age AND your shoe size.  If you keep it up you will end up on www.nerdatthecooltable.com when you get older and he's not as nice as I am.

This one.....smh. Make sure you throw up that peace sign sideways like you got hood status. Stop it white girl, if you aren't out of training bras yet you should NOT be taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror. (Photo was brought to my attention by @FresH_BoY_Will) 

This one....good job on trying to fit your whole body in there, but baby girl no grown man wants to see that. Wait until your at least 17 for back shots.

Three white jawns, three phones, one mirror.....and one broken arm.  Way to put the fat friend in the front so you can't see her bulge.  These ladies should spend less time in the bathroom together and more time outside having immature diving contests. Just cause you got boobs doesn't make you an adult. BE A KID!!!!

Come on little man.....no 11 year old girl is going to see this and say "Like, O-M-G he is sooooooo sexy!" no sir. Less time in the mirror with your phone, more time outside playing on sports teams.

Smh. Take notice of his baby picture on the wall. Child stop. Where is your mother at, and who did you send this picture to anyway? He's got a bright future in ending up on @NerdAtCoolTable's site.

Help me help them put a stop to these Angling Shenanigans! If any of these faces are familiar don't get mad, do something about it.  All these children (with the exception of the pool bunnies) are young enough for spankings.  We should have higher hopes for the youth, this can't be life. DO BETTER!

Come Get Your Kids NOW!!

(Angling: You're Doing It Wrong.)

Beards Will Keep You Warm This Winter

Beards are without a doubt an essential part to the approaching colder months. If you can't grow one, shame on you.  The importance of beards was brought to my attention by @OTRecords who had a brilliant rant on beards last night.  Here's a exempt directly from his timeline.

Fellas: Its going to be a cold winter.

The baby-like skin might look appealing in sunlight and summer months, but not for long.  Too bad Hov and Wiz can't grow beards. Good luck keeping your ladies warm gentlemen, and don't leave the house without a scarf.

Wayne....I haven't seen him sport anything more than a chinstrap, which does not count as a beard.  This little patch of pubes on his chin doesn't count either.

Tiger.  After the scandal/fiasco he began to start trying to grow a beard but only got as far as a goatee, which also doesn't count as a beard.

Now that's a beard!! I just want to nuzzle my face in his neck and breathe in his beard's essence. 

If you don't feel more safe around a person with a beard versus one without than you're a straight fraud, and you can't be trusted.  To those who cannot grow a beard I'm so sorry for you, because its been scientifically proven that you will get less buns between the months of October and March, good luck and God Speed.

Finally, a special RIP shout out to Billy Mays for having the greatest white man beard in history.

Grow out your facial hair fellas, and have a great cuffing season.

Sweet Sixteen: White Girl From The Burbs

Ladies, we all remember when we turned 16 and had the biggest hopes and dreams for our first car.  Many of us came from middle class-working class households, so deep down we knew those dreams would remain as dreams and instead would wake up to a 1980 something. Shows like "My Super Sweet Sixteen" from MTV brought out a certain vanity in most teenage girls who expected something like this waiting for them after they get home from their birthday dinner...

Velour skirt and matching zip-up, check!

Ugg Boots, check!

The best Sweet Sixteen present everrrrrrrr, CHECK!

If Range Rovers weren't your dream car you're not a real white girl from the burbs.  Unfortunately, the car we really were going to get was more like this...

Chrysler LeBaron, a more realistic option for a kid about to hit the road.  

Parents, you need to have a sense of mind that your child is more than likely going have a huge temper tantrum when you tell them the Range Rover is no-go.  Be Prepared for something like this...

Here are some tips and reminders you need to share with your manipulative daughter...

1. Remind them that are probably going to run into something or someone during the first 2 years of having a license.  

2. Remind them they are more than likely going to leave the keys in the ignition/door at one point because they are on the phone talking about what that bitch Becky did to her behind her back, (the slut. ) 

3. Remind them that some jealous redneck girl is probably is going to slash her tires and kick her headlights in.  

4.Remind them that they are probably going to spill their Starbucks coffee all over the interior as well as suffer from 2nd degree burns.  

5. Remind them that they are an easy target for intruders, police, and mischief in general.

6. If none of this seems to be working make up the craziest shit you can think of to turn your kids away form wanting that Range or BMW. Bribery also seems to work pretty well with white girls from the burbs.

7. STAND YOUR GROUND!

  In conclusion, don't gas your daughter's heads up with bullshit that it's possible they're going to get a Mercedes when they get their license, because you know damn well that is not true at all,unless you're an idiot who likes to throw their money away.

Come Get Your Kids

Before They

Come and Raise Your Insurance Rates

An Ode To Drunken White Boys

My dear sweet white boy it looks like you've had too much

A long night out with the bros no pussy and no luck

You've pounded all your drinks and you popped a couple pills

Snorted up some adderal with dirty crumpled bills

Sleep dear white boy, sleep wherever you fall

cause in the morning you won't remember anything at all.

This literally has to be the absolute worst place in the world for a person to stick their face.   

There is no excuse for this.  I'm not sure if they're gay or if they think they fell asleep with a hot girl from the bar...but that Delaware Tech shirt....Maaaaaann, somebody find 'em for me please.

This poor fella  just taking a drunken shit.  Looks like he reached for the TP to wipe, but broke the toilet instead...he probably hit the ground and just said "Fuck It, I'm out" Meanwhile his dick ass friends are cracking up taking pictures not even trying help him out, smh.

 Your friends will fuck your day up.  Don't be the first person to fall asleep, you've been warned.  Notice the tender toes all around him, he so far gone he can't even sense movement...His 5 senses are completely expired at the moment.

Sure, college and drinking is great time, but not so funny waking up the next morning only to find out your "friends" have posted your dumb drunk ass on Facebook.  Bros be waking up to a whole list of new notifications. In conclusion, white boys tend to go over dose with absolutely everything.  A life of drinking and partying can only end in two ways a damaged liver, or this guy.

Don't be that guy fellas. Your future is bright.  Leave college in college, grow up, get a job, make some babies and delete anything that can be used against you. 

Strive For More, Do Better, and

Come Get Your Kids, Man 

Come Get Your Kids on Humanizing Dogs.

People love dogs. They're without a doubt man's best friend (unless you're a pussy and/or allergic).  Many people consider their dogs to be a member of the family and treat them as such for the remainder of their short lives.  The focus of today is understanding why white people do strange things to their dogs.

Ok, I get it...your baby is fat and you've got a cute Shar-pei puppy, but c'mon son.  On the day this picture was taken, a seed was planted and the child's life has changed forever. Here's to future eating disorders and mommy issues. (OWNERS ARE WHITE)

.......If this picture was taken on a day other than Halloween, then go kill yourself 5 times. (OWNER IS WHITE)

Sure, this is funny. But why???  Where and how did they acquire a bikini bottom small enough to put on a dog and large enough to cover its' butt hole?  Sickos (OWNERS HAVE TO BE WHITE)

Probably the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.  She probably spent a grip too.  (OWNER IS WHITE, EVEN IF I CAN'T SEE HER SKIN, I CAN RECOGNIZE WHITE THIGHS FROM UNDER ANY FABRIC, AND SKETCHERS ARE JUST AS DEAD GIVEAWAY)

The caption says it all folks, this is quite possibly the loneliest picture I've ever seen in my life.  Notice how there is nothing on the deck or the backyard.  This person literarlly has nothing better to do than humiliate their pooch. (ANYONE THAT OWNS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER IS WHITE BY DEFAULT)

I hope you've all learned a thing or two about how white people treat their dogs.  And I'm not saying all white people do this, but its takes a certain kind of white person to dress their dog up as if it were a human.  It's one thing if it's a child messing around because they don't know any better, but its something else when a grown ass adult does it because they think it's funny.  Caesar Milan would be oh-so disappointed with the owners of these dogs.  A dog is meant to be a dog, not a dress up toy.  Remember whites; not only are you embarrassing your dog, you are also destroying the perceptions of those who are close to you (i.e your children) on how to treat animals.   

Come Get Your Kids

before they

Come Get Your Dogs

Kids: Larger Than....A Lot of Stuff

Child Obesity is no joke.  As a disclaimer let me just say if you or your child are fat because of a medical reason I apologize in advance.... unless that medical reason is you like to eat and  don't know anything about nutrition.

First I'd like to thank The Maury Show...

Maury, you've exploited and dissected the lives of countless  fat children and for that we thank you.

If this ain't the laziest shit I've ever seen, she's like 9...

Labels out!!!!

I thought eating a lot of rice doesn't make you fat

SN: Peep my "Smoking is for Kids?" post...what is it with Asians and piggypack rides?? I want one...a piggyback ride, not an Asian.

Sorry baby boy, but that plane isn't going anywhere.

New Flash fatkids and parents of fat kids:  If you don't change your eating habits, this could be your future.  Not only is he large he also is obviously going through some sort of identity crisis.  I wonder how long he thought about the black lipstick before slapping it on....oh well. 

It's quite obvious that these children could have spent a bit more time outdoors moving around and being active.  The lack of vitamin D (aka sunlight) is literally written all over their faces...all of them--even the Asian and the Mickie D's twins--are pasty AF

I encourage you to eat less and go outside more

Strive For More

and

Come Get Your Kids